Worst Mistake

Last September 5, 2005 my 62-month and 24-day relationship with the most wonderful woman that I’ve ever met ended in a way I never imagined. For over 5 years I believed that my ex-gf would never even dare say, “quits” on me… that she will be so in love with me that she’ll endure any kind of pain and suffering just to be with the one she truly loves, me. Well, that was true for 62 months and 23 days but unfortunately on our 1,848th day she realized that she had enough… enough of my somewhat adulterous acts and unorthodox ways of showing how much she means to me. I was shocked, even traumatized to hear that she wanted OUT. At first I thought that she would be the one at the losing end but at the end of day I’m the one left sitting by the window with tears flowing on my plump cheeks, with my teary eyes staring at the endless horizon.
I won’t say that I haven’t done anything worse than dating other girls, frequently freaking her out with my mood swings and pressuring her with my own family problems but looking back and after much time spent contemplating I realized that I couldn’t have done any worse. I was a fool to treat her the way I relentlessly did. And now I’m paying the price… now I am alone, sick, broke and single.

Sa Bingit ng Bangungot

Nanaginip ako kagabi. Napanaginipan ko na may natututunan ng mahaling iba yaong babaeng aking “nilalandi”. At sa simula nalungkot ako… pero hindi naman iyon nagtagal. Sa tulong ng aking mga kaibigan lalu na sa panahon at pag-intindi na ibinigay ng pinakamatalik kong kaibigan at katipan, namulat ako sa mga bagay na matagal ng nakahandusay sa harap ko; na kung iisipin wala naman akong dapat ikalungkot dahil sa katotohanan wala naman akong problema. Ngunit hindi ko naman iyon nakita sa ganoong perspektibo ng agaran. Buti na lang at nandiyan ang aking mahal na mga kaibigan dahil kung wala sila malamang ay nalulungkot pa ako hanggang ngayon at maging sa mga susunod pang mga araw o maging mga linggo, at tuluyan na sigurong binangungot.

Sa katotohanan, gaya ng alam na ng aking mga matatalik na kaibigan, medyo maloko talaga ang inyong lingkod pagdating sa mga babae. Sa kabila ng pagkakaroon ko ng napakahusay at napakabait na nobya ay hindi ko maiwasang tumingin at “magkagusto” sa iba. Ang paniniwala ko roon, mahina lang siguro ang aking pagkakahawak sa aking makamundong sarili kung kaya’t nagawa/nagagawa ko ang mga hindi dapat gawin ng isang taong NAGTAYA na. Idagdag pa ang pagiging kampante ko at pagiging sigurado sa kung anuman ang mayroon kami ng aking nobya. Sa humigit kumulang limampu’t walong buwan kasi naming pagsasama inisip ko na nagawa na naming lahat ng maaaring gawin ng magnobyo’t nobya, at napag-awayan na ang lahat ng posibleng problema. Aaminin ko na nakahon ako sa ganoong paniniwala ng mahigit na sa walong buwan kaya’t tinaningan ko na ang relasyon namin ng hanggang Marso na lamang. Kung ganito ako mag-isip, maaari rin namang sabihin na talagang may katangahan lang ako. Pero, bagaman ito nga ang karaniwang nagyayari sa akin, hindi naman masasabing nagpapabaya ako at hindi na gumagawa ng mga aksiyon na muling bubuhay sa aming tila bagang “flat line” na relasyon, dahil sa araw-araw kong pagbangon sa aking kama, lagi ko naman iniisip kung may mali nga ba sa ginagawa ko at anu pa ba ang hindi ko ginagawa. Pero baka naman kasi hindi naman TALAGA ako nag-iisip at kumikilos tungo sa pagpapatagal pa ng relasyon namin. Siguro ganun nga. Dahil sa paulit-ulit kong pagninilay tuwing umaga iisa lang ang lumalabas na kasagutan… na walang mali sa akin at nagawa ko na ang lahat ng maaaring gawin. Pero gaya nga ng sabi ng lahat ng aking mga malalapit na kaibigan mayroong mali sa akin at sobrang dami ko pang mga pagkukukulang.

Siguro ngayon, susubok na lang ako muli. Susubukan kong mag-isip ng mas mataimtim sa ikakasigla ulit ng aming relasyon ng aking madalas TOYOing katipan. Inalis ko na rin yung taning sa aming relasyon dahil sa tulong ng isang bagong kaibigan namulat ako sa katotohanan na isa itong malaking kalokohan at isa na namang katibayan ng aking katangahan.

Kakaiba talaga ang nagagawa ng isang bangungot. Buti na lang nagising ako…

A Family Affair

It is a very special day today. Not only because it’s my Mama’s birthday but more importantly because my family and I are going out. (Grabe! Sobrang excited ako!) Last week, my Papa suggested that we should go out since we haven’t done that for a long time. Miraculously, everyone agreed! (hehe!) As far as I remember, the last time we had a family thing was mid-90’s pa! (So that explains why I’m overly excited!!!) I even assigned myself as the financer for the night. And the funny thing about it is that I’m not the only one in the family who’s eager to have that dinner. My Kuya and Ate will be leaving their respective jobs early just to be with the rest of the family. And I’m telling you, that rarely happens. We even limited the “participants” exclusively to family members (meaning wala yung makukulit na mga nobya at nobyo!!! heheheü). I just wish it would turn out as fun and memorable as I’ve been expecting it to be. :) Wish me Luck!!!

My Key to Success... DIETING

I’m late for the second time this week and the temptation to do it again and again is rising. I do not find my work to be difficult but the less pressure that I get the more I tend to slack off. I haven’t conquered that bad habit for years and now it’s creeping on my shoulder, beginning to ruin my future. Nah!!!! I’m just exaggerating things. The real deal is that I’m too fat to work and the sooner I become fit the sooner I’ll be on my work mode again. So the main focus right now is to go on with my diet. A meal a day keeps the flab away…so there.

Best ME...

A whole new week has just started, same office with the same people and unfortunately the same job. Though I’m satisfied with my load of work, I sometimes just get too bored of doing the simplest stuff. I want to start analyzing financial statements, talking to different clients who have substance and meeting new friends who’ll bring me to places. I want to be exposed to a lot of new things that will hopefully transform me into a better person come the near future.
But I think it ain’t gonna happen here in Keppel or if ever it does happen here, it would take me a thousand years to improve from good to a little bit better than good. That surely is a long time for me. But I hope to change and be satisfied with myself as soon as possible. I don’t want to reach that “best Glen” stage with a cane in my hand and all my grandchildren helping me to walk. I want to be the “best me” while I’m still young, while I’m still up on my two feet. But just like what I’ve learned in my philosophy class, it’s in the way you look at things that you find the beauty innate to it and with this experience I just have to open my eyes wider to catch even just a glimpse of that beauty.

Cubao... The BEST!!!

During the second half of my training in Keppel Bank I always wake up as early as 5:30am and in a way my body clock has already adjusted to that. Even if I slept very late the previous night the rumbling of my tummy acting as my own alarm clock would always wake me up. It was very useful for me and I found it really advantageous on my part because when that usually occurs I don’t have a choice but to get off my bed and go straight to the bathroom. But now that I am based in Cubao, I wouldn’t need that anymore. I can now wake up as late as 7am or even 7:30am without even dreading the possibility of me, being late for work. Today, I even left our house 5 minutes past 8am and I am happy to say that I arrived here in Cubao 10 minutes before the grace period. Hahahahahaha! I am now experiencing the benefits of being based in Cubao- saving a substantial sum of money and being able to snooze a little bit longer everyday!

Lunch Inside

It has been a while since I had my lunch alone in the office. For the last 5 months I got used to eating with the company of my other batch mates here in Cubao as well as in Makati. I really love dining with them and having conversations about our work and sometimes about our families. But starting today, I should start getting used to having my daily meal in front of my computer here at work. Right now I’m saddened by the fact that I’ll have to face that loneliness 5 days each week. Oh well, I think that’s not a big deal, even though I can’t stop myself from feeling bad about it today. I’m going to miss those times and I’ll be longing for those ordinary days that I’ve spent with Kathy, Kashmirr, and the rest of MTB2, which I value very much. But come to think of it, maybe this is just another stage in my life wherein I have no choice but to adjust and start getting fond of my own company.

Nag-iisa

It’s my first day here in Cubao, again. And it is so strange that I still have this feeling of uneasiness. I’ve been here during my first three months in Keppel Bank and during those 12 weeks I’ve already created a bond with my co-employees. That alone should be a good reason for me not to feel that certain awkwardness and having that fear of working here again. However, the fact of the matter is that I’m too insecure about myself. I’m too afraid to work alone because I believe that I cannot do things on my own and I always look at things in a certain way that really scares the hell out of me. And now, I am back and I’ll surely be spending another six months or more of my life working in this bank. I don’t have an idea what I’m tasked to do. What I know is that the things I’ll be assigned to do would be easy as long as I keep my focus and patience every time. I just wish that together with the patience, I’d soon realize that there is nothing to be afraid of because I’ve prepared for this the last 16 years of my life and that now is the time for me to show what I really have and shine.